Last week I had a doctor’s appointment where my doctor analyzed the results of my latest CT scan and blood work. He deemed my results “excellent.” Relief and gratitude washed over me. As you can imagine, waiting for those results is maddening. It’s like balancing on a fence for a week, being told you may not hop down. One one side of you is a fluffy mattress, puppies, a massage therapist, a nice Malbec, endless episodes of Parks & Rec and like, George Clooney or Ryan Gosling, I mean, my wonderful, handsome husband whom I love very much. On the other side of the fence is fire, spiky things, expense reports, your 7th grade math teacher, Mrs. McKinney, who was void of soul and mean as the day is long, humidity, spiders, pop-country music, scratchy wool sweaters, pantyhose, mayonnaise just lying around in glistening, awful mounds and a cloud of farts. Broccoli farts.
While on the fence, so to speak, for one week, I was basically a crazy person. My head was cluttered with all kinds of worries. Each day, I would have to bring myself back to sanity. I busied myself with work stuff, prayed and played a lot of Trivia Crack.
When the time came, I got tipped over into the wriggling sea of puppy kisses. I feel like I’m sane again. I feel like I have been given, for now, a wonderful gift. I know it isn’t a gift everyone gets. I know some well loved friends that are still on their journey of actively battling cancer. I know some dear people who have gone to be with The Lord after fighting a long time. I worry that my victory, my blessing, my gift is painful to those who are missing someone whose story ended with this battle. I am careful to recognize the need for utmost humility as I celebrate this battle won.
Additionally, cancer never goes away entirely. Even if it truly dies within you, you fear it’s return and who it will attack next.
Trusting God, as always, is paramount. I have shifted from praying for healing and am focusing on praying for wisdom. Like serious, deep wisdom. I can’t think of anything more important to ask for. The wiser someone is, the more they seem to trust God. Having that trust and understanding is more important than what the circumstances are. You can have health, admiration, financial stability, even love. But those things, valuable as they are, do much less to help you feel strong when you are weak. To have peace when you are afraid.
So Mort the Port comes out next month! This is A Big Deal to me. For one, this foreign object has been in my chest for a year and a half. It has helped to save my life. I have become accustomed to it. It makes blood draws a snap! Letting them take him out means that I submit myself to that whole vein hunting, pricking nonsense. You get spoiled with a port. But it’s exciting to close that chapter. I may even have a little Bon Voyage party for Mort. He’s been a good ally.
I’m off to California in a few weeks and Oregon after that. (Work trips.) Then my surgery to say au revoir to Mort. I’m happy. I’m grateful. I’m excited for the present.