Big day Thursday. They will insert a very large needle into my abdomen, through my ribs, into my liver, to find out if these pesky spots they found on my most recent CT scan are cancer. Man, I hope they’re not.
Getting this news was pretty devastating. But I must tell you…I trust God. I really do. I am aware now more than ever of his amazing love for me. His faithfulness. His goodness.
I know, it’s very easy to question God’s sovereignty and goodness and love when we get bad or potentially bad news. I totally get that. But here’s the thing. If you expect God to make sense, you’re nuts.
If you’re married, think about your spouse. Do they always make sense to you? You always know what they are thinking? Do you always agree with everything they do?? Hahaha. Now, I don’t know if your spouse is smarter than you, and we will bypass the debate on who is smarter in my marriage 🙂 but I know that God is smarter than me. He is glorious. The nature of his glory is such that we cannot understand Him or His ways. If you can’t even understand another human in their entirety, how could you possibly expect to understand God, and be in a place to judge whether he is good or right? I’m not into that. I’m into trusting Him.
Here are a couple of things I know:
God has been faithful in my own life. I have had several experiences that nearly brought me to death’s door. When I was nine, my house exploded about four minutes after walking outside. When I was 18, I stupidly went surfing during the very beginning of a hurricane, got sucked under in churning waves and just when I thought I was a goner, was basically spit out by the ocean. When I was in college my house caught on fire with my roommate and I sleeping inside it. We awoke only because of an alarm we didn’t recall setting. When I had Cassidy, I suddenly hemorrhaged so bad I almost died. Then there was the last bout of cancer. God has had my six every time. Sure, this time could be different, but why assume that?
I experience tremendous growth through times of trial and suffering. I have learned that you really are not much use to other struggling people if you haven’t really struggled. But people who have suffered? Especially people who have chosen to trust God during their suffering? They know things. They are wise. They have perspective and patience. They are Yoda. They are Wonder Woman.
I experience outrageous amounts of love during times like this. Already people are stepping up and reaching out. Everyone likes attention. We really need it when we are going through something hard. It doesn’t fix it but it helps so much. Team Jessi is the best!
I’m praying to be healed. In the past I have been hesitant to pray this boldly for healing. I think it is because I have been worried that God might not answer in the way I expect, and I might feel disappointed. I don’t do so well with disappointment. I feel differently this time. I feel confident both in approaching the throne of God boldly, and knowing that I will trust him, be thankful, and follow him even if my prayers are not answered in the manner and timing I prefer. I can ask plainly and rest in believing He will care for me perfectly, no matter what.
We assume we know what is good news and what is bad news. Tim Keller calls this something funny like presumed omniscience. Basically, it is outrageously arrogant to assume that we know if A happens it will mean B. So we freak the eff out. But. We don’t know! It might be Q or X. Or 7. Or nothing. Sure, I’d love a negative biopsy and no more chemo. But God knows what is best. Because He knows it all.
Look at the cross. Imagine what they saw that day, and how they despaired as Jesus died.
But really, it was the beginning of the greatest thing that ever happened. Ever.
Right now, I can tell you in all honesty that I have peace about this. I am finding that it is possible to rise above the circumstances and operate out of a different perspective. I really want to not have cancer. But I will go where God leads. I will go with joy in my heart. And I welcome you on this journey. Let’s look forward with faith, curiosity, trust and hope. Let’s see what God does.