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At least I don't have tuberculosis

Last night I went to bed anxious that the impending snowstorm was going to wreak havoc on my already cumbersome commute.  I fretted about getting enough sleep (I’m coming off of a rough chemo weekend) and leaving early enough to get my Tuesday morning meeting.  

Interestingly, as I slept, I had a dream that I somehow contracted tuberculosis.  A doctor diagnosed me and when I told my family, coworkers and friends, they all insisted it wasn’t any big deal.  There was some obligation I was supposed to attend – an event or appointment or something – and everyone urged me to just go.  That I probably didn’t really have anything serious.  That it was silly to prioritize this minor problem.  The expectation was clear – go.  Be “on.”  Deliver.  

In this dream, I had a deadly, highly communicable disease, and I bowed to the pressure of expectations.  I typically don’t think much of dreams.  Mostly because mine are usually filled with mundane, normal stuff or complete, utter nonsense.  But this one seemed to have a message.
Sometimes I do not feel ok about resting, unplugging or eschewing my responsibilities.  Even in this season of my life. I don’t think it’s because people actually don’t let me.  I think I make assumptions about what is required of me.  And what people will think if I fall short.  
Don’t get me wrong – I take the breaks I need to…sometimes I’m just totally deflated and have nothing left.  But I never really feel ok about it.  I feel like I’m slacking, failing and letting everyone down.  I feel judged.  Again, it’s not anyone’s fault.  I own it.  
Sometimes I wish someone would send me away – see, I can’t send myself…someone actually sending me would be, I don’t know, permission. An allowance to unplug from my obligations.  
While a weekend at some lovely spa would be outstanding, it won’t fix my problem.  My problem, and this is absolutely not exclusive to cancer fighters, is that, sometimes, my worth is tied up in what I do.  How much I do.  How satisfied people are with my performance.  In all areas of life.
Do you do this to yourself, too?  If you think about somehow, magically, being totally free of obligations and expectation, does it make you want to just cry with relief?  
There’s good news, but it’s pretty blunt.  Jesus is the only answer to this.  My identify has to come from who I am as a child of God, wholly and dearly loved.  I am not good because I’m well behaved, productive, efficient and freshly showered.  I’m not valuable because I cook a decent vegetarian chili or can juggle 37 projects at once.  Those things are good and they make me ME.  But they aren’t what determine my worth.  My worth comes from He who created us.  I’m worth something because He says so.  Even if I’m laying on the couch eating a cronut.  
The tricky part is grappling with the feelings that come with falling short of people’s expectations.  Or, more accurately, the expectations I believe they have.  This is where it helps to have people around you that love you, and while they do want you to make your bed and go to work and send Aunt Martha a birthday card…they don’t love you because you checked off your chore list. They love you over and above and around your shortcomings.  
Once I was late to pick up my daughter from my parents’ house and I had a complete, total breakdown.  I was so afraid they would think I was being disrespectful, irresponsible, selfish.  But when I got there, a sloppy, messy, snot-filled, teary-eyed mess…I was met with grace.  
The other day I sent my husband into the snow to pick up some take-out I’d ordered for us.  Turns out, I placed our order at a different location of the Mexican chain – one 20 miles away.  When he called to tell me, I expected anger at my stupid mistake.  I had done almost nothing the entire weekend, so sick from chemo.  And the one thing I tried to do:  epic fail.  But my husband just took care of it and brought me my quesadilla anyway.  Grace.  
Grace is so sweet.  I expected ridicule.  But I was received lovingly.  And I was so relieved.  I was reminded of how God deals with me…daily.  If you want to really rock someone’s world, give them grace when they think they deserve your disapproval, your disappointment and your cold shoulder.

I’m working on my issues with fearing letting others down.  I’m working on remembering who we are in Christ.  Let’s be liberal in reminding each other of that. And liberal with our dispensing of grace.
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Jubilee

Something really cool happened to me yesterday.  I got to meet someone who had an impact on my life about one year ago.  This was my second year attending the Jubilee Professional conference in Pittsburgh.  It’s a conference where really interesting people give blessedly short talks (sorry…typical short attention span of an 80s kid) on matters of faith and vocation.  It’s pretty cool stuff.  And they have good snacks.

I almost didn’t go because I had chemo the day before and usually I just stay home for the days following.  But I wanted to go (my wonderful mentor oversees the whole thing, and everything she does is amazing) and some nice people were willing to drive me there and home.  So I mustered up all of my energy and went.  
So, a year ago, this really cool artist, Scott Erickson http://scottericksonart.com  painted a really great piece during the talks, capturing the flavor of the event.  Then, he gave a talk.  And boy did it move me.  He talked about a dear friend of his who was sick from cancer, and how despite all of the prayers…she passed away.  And how much it sucks to watch someone you care about suffer.  And how hard it is to trust God in all of that. And how it causes you to question so much.  That was about 6 months before my diagnosis.  Since then, I have thought often about that talk.  
So when I walked in yesterday and there he was, I was a wee bit star struck.  But I had to YOLO it up and say hello.  And I’m so glad I did.  We had a nice chat and I was able to thank him for the impact he had on me last year.  That would have been plenty.  But there was more.  Some people just have wisdom, and just know what to say.  His response when I shared very briefly about my situation was basically this: “Some things require us to be brave.  I can see you’re being brave.”  
There is so much temptation to be afraid.  But God has whispered many messages to me through this, urging me to be courageous.  
Here is the awesome painting Scott created during this year’s conference.  As with cities and relationships and rogue cancer cells…God’s got this.

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The best version of you

What if I treated you, every day, in every way, like you were the absolute best version of yourself?  Like you were really, really awesome.  The YOU that God created you to be.  The you He is gently pressing you toward?

That sounds hard.  I mean, much of the time we react to each other as if the other person is the very worst we can imagine.  He’s rude.  She’s immature.  They are mean.  We take the small amount of information we actually have, and then make assumptions and place labels and take any opportunity to infer that someone’s motives are the very worst. 
Maybe it makes us feel better about ourselves.  Maybe it’s a form of self preservation.  We won’t be caught lying down, thinking someone was good, only to be hurt in the end!
But when you flip it around and you think about how you want to be treated, how it feels to be thought of as the worst version of yourself…it’s not only painful and cruel…it certainly doesn’t make you want to be any better, does it?
Conversely, think of someone who always thinks well of you.  Someone who trusts you.  Someone who would be SURPRISED to learn you did something unkind or selfish.  Someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt.  They overlook your offenses, chalk your rudeness up to a bad day, respond to your harsh word with a kind one, receive your grumpiness with understanding.  Don’t you just LOVE those people?  Don’t you want to really BE your best for them?  
We’re so concerned with getting taken advantage of – but it seems like maybe it works in the opposite way we think it does.  Maybe the way to bring out the best in someone is to just start treating them like they’re already there.  I know, it sounds risky and unsafe.  But I know when I think of how it feels to be treated like I’m already mature and trustworthy and kind and giving and selfless…it’s incredible.  It makes me feel loved and special and it honestly ups my game.  If you believe my motives are dark and my priorities are selfish and my choices predictably fall short, I’ll probably either give up on myself or you.  But…if you show me appreciation and admiration, I’ll go to the moon to give you my best.  I’ll give you my all. I want to be that person you believe I am.  
So, I want to criticize and judge less, and do more to help people realize their potential.  There are a handful of people who have done this for me.  I will always be grateful to you, and I’m trying to be more like you.  
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So…where have YOU been?

When you have cancer, some people just come out of the wood work. Of course there are the usual suspects – those family and friends that you know are with you no matter what. But, I am back in touch with some people that I honestly thought I would never hear from again. Some of my friends have become even better friends. Some people I always thought were kind of self-absorbed have really gone out of their way to reach out and show love and care. People who don’t owe me a thing have sent cards, letters and gifts. It’s incredible and I can’t overstate how grateful I am.

But here’s the other thing. Some people…don’t. There are a few people who have become conspicuously absent in the face of this disease. At first, it just hurts. Like…how could so-and-so disappear when I need them most? I mean, what kind of person shrinks into the shadows at a time like this? A selfish person! An uncaring person. A rude, thoughtless, hurtful person.

I’ve been thinking about this for a while. Because there is definitely a short list of those people for me. And every time I think of them, I am just flabbergasted that they haven’t been around. Some, it was immediate and abrupt. Have not heard a peep since the diagnosis. Others more so kind of have faded away. Again, I’m totally amazed and grateful for the support I have – it is significant and fulfilling and need-meeting and just incredible. But there are little holes in my heart where those absent people should be. People that I thought wanted to “do life together” no matter what.

It’s really kind of crappy to have this illness and the crappy treatment and also have the hurts associated with people who just can’t be bothered. The imperfect human part of my heart is hurt and mad. I want to unfriend them on facebook, say mean things about them and send them a box of dog poop in the mail.

But the Holy Spirit lives in me. And what He has to say is this: People are scared.

People are scared of cancer. Scared of sickness. Chemo. Vomiting. Bald people. (I’m not one of those bald people, but people think I am, especially those who haven’t seen me.) They are scared to see a friend sick and hurting. They are scared to potentially watch someone die. They are scared to get closer to someone who (through no fault of their own, it should be noted) just signed up for a crap load of pain, drama, inconvenience and changes. They are scared to GET CLOSER to someone who MIGHT NOT BE AROUND.

I understand. I know that feeling. I’ve watched someone die. And I definitely was faced with a choice at one point – to get closer even though I knew what the end might look like. And it didn’t end how I wanted it to. It was hard and sad and heartbreaking. It challenged my faith. It made me so sad it felt like pure anguish. BUT…I wouldn’t trade that experience for the world. To know that I was there means EVERYTHING. To know I didn’t shy away. I didn’t hide. I didn’t make excuses. I showed up. I brought pumpkin flavored coffee and rubbed feet and held hands and prayed. That doesn’t make me some special person. I’m only saying it because you know what? It made me BETTER. My heart is softer. And bigger. I love MORE because of that experience. I am blessed because I was there. And I would hate myself now if I had made a different choice.

So, if you’re faced with this situation, please consider a few things:

Your friend needs you. They notice you’re not around. TRUST ME. Sometimes us cancer people are forced to lay around and do very little but think, and sometimes our thoughts turn to those we miss.

If you haven’t been around and you think it’s too late now, IT IS NOT.

If you go, and you visit or call or whatever, it might be weird…but it might be FINE. It might be WONDERFUL.

If you bite the bullet and dive in even in the face of fear, you’ll learn a lot of things – what suffering looks like, how to love someone going through something hard, how to think of someone besides yourself, what strengths you have that you didn’t even know you had. How to show love when you are totally incapable of fixing what is wrong.

If you don’t, you will regret it. Whether they get better or not. I mean, seriously?! Do you really want to be that jagoff who ran for the hills at the face of adversity? (It never ends well for that character in the movie.)

And if you’re in the suffering seat – if you have the cancer or the tragedy or the crisis and you feel a little bit abandoned, consider this:

It’s not that they don’t love you. It’s just that they are terrified and they don’t know what to do. Pray for them. Do your best to forgive them and try to understand – they are broken; something inside them is a little wonky and they probably don’t know how to fix it.

And finally, I say to those of you who have dived in head first – with me or with other people that you love – especially if it scared you….you are the heroes. You are a blessing. You have made something terrible much, much easier.

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Perspective, compassion and ranch dressing

Having cancer really puts things in perspective.  You kind of stop sweating the small stuff when you are literally sweating from the chemo-poison raging through your body.  Gross, I know.  

What happens when we have a Big Problem is that you scroll through Facebook and kind of shift into one long, giant eye roll as you read about people’s all-consuming deeply challenging circumstances such as the sniffles, running out of ranch dressing (someone actually posted about this once like it was a major life disruption) and choosing cocktail dress A or B which both look ridiculously good on.  You sigh as you read about a friend’s daughter not having a date for the dance (she’s 12!!!) someone complaining about the rain and your neighbor’s agonizing decision about whether to get a cockerpoo or a labrodoodle.  Eye roll.  Eye roll.  Eye roll.
You start gravitating toward people who either don’t complain (bless you, you easy going, thankful optimists out there!) or people who have actual problems.  Your heart is soft toward the acquaintance facing divorce, the friend who just lost a parent and your old roommate who just had her third miscarriage.  You even begin to feel a little bit superior to the folks bitching about paper cuts.  Maybe a lot superior. 
It’s easy to play the “Shut up, I have cancer, you jagoff” game. 
But here’s the thing.  Whatever someone is dealing with is what they’re dealing with.  I remember 18 months ago, my biggest problem was a house that just wouldn’t sell.  We agonized.  We despaired.  We prayed.  We complained.  And then, when we actually sold the house, you would have thought our moving agenda was the battle plans for taking over a small nation.  And now…a year and a half later, it seems so ridiculous.  What I wouldn’t give to have those problems.  Packing boxes?  Bring it!  But they were real and big and stressful then.  I cried.  There was arguing.  It felt insurmountable.
It’s not fair to put labels or values on others’ struggles.  Unrequited love.  Injury.  Illness. Unemployment.  Betrayal.  Financial problems.  Unruly teenagers.  Losing a competition.  Loneliness.  Infertility.  Screwing up at work.  The number on the scale that won’t budge.  Depression.  These all feel enormous when they land on you.  
What I’m learning is two-fold.  One is that I have little patience and compassion for struggles that seem significantly smaller than my own.  Two is that that’s wrong.  It’s selfish and prideful and immature.  God cares about your sprained ankle and so should I.  I’m working on it.  But you should probably shut up about the ranch dressing.  It’s gross anyway.  And a girl’s got to draw the line somewhere.  

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Brief Relief

I got great news on Thursday.  My cancer has not, thus far, found another place to take up residence in my body.  Put another way, no new tumors.  This is a huge relief and cause for celebration.  I am so grateful.  

But I’m also dealing with my worst post-chemo side effects so far.  This time it really wiped me out.  I slept at least half of the weekend and today, Monday, I am searching hard for some energy because I have a work related obligation this afternoon that cannot be missed.  Unfortunate timing.    
So my thoughts and feelings are this crazy jumble of gratitude and deep annoyance.  I’m so glad the cancer hasn’t spread.  And I’m so sick of going through this crap.  
When I start to feel sorry for myself, I know I need to get my head screwed back on straight.  So here’s what I do:
Give myself permission to vent or whine just a little bit to someone who can handle it and isn’t going to give me advice.  It might just be a couple very honest texts to someone who will welcome my transparency.  But I get it out in a way that I feel heard.
Stop the whining.  It’s ok for a little bit but I’m not into say, a whining lifestyle.  You can easily become a whiner without even realizing it, so, reel it in.  
Pinpoint the problem.  What is really getting to me?  Nausea? Cabin fever? Aches and pains? The frustration of only being able to drink warm beverages when all I want is icy cold ginger ale.  Identify the problem and address it if possible.  
Once earthly measures have been taken, I sit quietly before God and complain to Him.  Sometimes I am more polite and thank Him for some things first and note His holiness and such.  Other times I just let it out.  And I ask for help.  
This is not like submitting a request and having it fulfilled right away in the particular manner I prefer.  We do get tempted to think of our relationship with God as rather transactional, don’t we?  Behave, ask nicely, and get what you asked for.  My experience is that this is not typically how it works because we are not always asking for the best things.  It’s ok for me to ask God to relieve my nausea.  Maybe He will, but if He doesn’t, it’s because there is a purpose in this that I’m not privy to.   
The Bible is full of stories of suffering turning to glory.  Joseph, Job, Jesus.  It’s a perpetual theme.  There is purpose in our suffering.  So when the suffering does not subside upon our request, we have to be content that God is with us, and this will be worked out for our good. And that some glory lies on the other side. 
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Tomorrow

Tomorrow is round 5 of chemo.  That’s not what’s on my mind, though.  Tomorrow I get the results of my CT scan.  Basically we’ll find out if my cancer is spreading or not.  It feels big.  Like I might be plunged into a scarier place than I already am.  

But a good scan this month doesn’t mean I’ll never have a bad one.  People get cancer, get better, and then get it again.  Two years later or ten years later.  Some people have 20 cancer free years and then have a stroke.  Some perfectly healthy person is going to get hit by the bus.  Or bitten by the snake.  Or choke on some Skittles.  
What I’m saying is while I am praying and hoping for good news tomorrow, I’m not putting my hope in scans or news from a doctor.  They matter, of course.  But they aren’t final.  There is always something dreadful to fear if you don’t put your hope and faith in something bigger and better and more significant than any earthly thing.  
I’m tempted to put my hope in the scan results.  I know I’ll feel relieved by good news and scared of bad news.  But I choose to trust God no matter what lies ahead.  I’m not all that good at it, mind you.  My emotions can flail in the wind like anyone’s.  But I come back to the truth that God is worthy of our trust and works all things for our good no matter how outrageously crazy and unfair some things may feel.  He knows more.  He knows better. I’m in His capable hands.  
In the Scriptures He promises “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you.”  That’s better than the admittedly sought after good news of a clean scan.  Way better.  I want that good news.  I really do.  But what I want more is unshakable faith – to understand who God is so much that no news can undermine my trust in Him.  I’m not there yet, but I’m moving in the right direction.  Are you?
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The best book I've read in a long time

I know I’ve mentioned this book before.  But here is a full review.

Tim Keller, in this hefty, somewhat scholarly book, thick with Scripture references, personal stories and C.S. Lewis-level logical arguments, discusses how our culture tells us that adversity, suffering and struggle are bad – they are something to get past so we can get on with real life. Suffering, such as dealing with cancer (or job loss, infidelity, serious injury, loss of a loved one) is a life disruption, a snag, an interruption from our regularly scheduled programming. But, as Dr. Keller poses, what about the biblical view?  It says this is IMPORTANT.  It’s allowed by God, by design.  It’s not retaliation for that time you missed church or lied about being stuck in traffic or even that time you stole, cheated or deeply betrayed a close friend.  The justice for all of the dumb stuff you do was satisfied, paid in full on the cross.  So, while it’s possible that your suffering may be a direct consequence of sin, ignore the temptation of yourself and others to ponder whether you “deserve” the suffering or not.  It’s irrelevant.  Additionally, depending on how you approach it, this suffering you’re experiencing can be used by you and God to galvanize your faith, to deepen your intimacy with God, to strengthen your relationships and bless you with greater wisdom, compassion and patience. 

Put another way, whatever suffering you’re going through, it’s not an accident, it’s not punishment and it’s not to be squandered.

Here is an excerpt that really challenged and encouraged me:

“If you believe in Jesus and you rest in Him, then suffering will relate to your character like fire relates to gold. Do you want to know who you are—your strengths and weaknesses? Do you want to be a compassionate person who skillfully helps people who are hurting? Do you want to have such a profound trust in God that you are fortified against the disappointments of life? Do you want simply to be wise about how life goes?

Those are four crucial things to have—but none of them are readily achievable without suffering. There is no way to know who you really are until you are tested. There is no way to really empathize and sympathize with other suffering people unless you have suffered yourself. There is no way to really learn how to trust in God until you are drowning.”

One of the most challenging aspects of this book is how Dr. Keller boldly confronts the reader with this question:  Are you in this (the Christian faith) to truly serve God, or are you in it to see how you can get God to serve you?  Oof.  That’s a rough question. Our response to suffering gives us the answer.  If we kick and scream and whine and cry and demand to be released from the suffering, we’re not approaching it with a trusting attitude toward God.  We’re basically saying “Well, I was ok with this until physical pain came up on me.”  Or “Hey, I was willing to go along until you let that man break my heart.”  If we really believe that this God loves us enough to send his son to the cross to save us from all of our terrible decisions, moral failures and selfish choices, then how can we not trust Him to be with us in the midst of of the suffering?

This book is for people who are experiencing serious suffering, or people who want to be prepared for when it comes their way.  Dr. Keller has published a gift here – a guide to having a Biblical, Christ-centered response when your world comes crashing down.  If you want to take your faith-journey to the next level, read it.

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Nonprofits, homelessness, panhandlers, oh my.

This post isn’t about cancer, but approximately, in one way or another, the last 30 entries are, so just click backwards if that’s what you’re looking for.

The reason I’m writing this post is because I’m raising money for charity – it happens to be the charity I work for – as I train for the 5K of the Pittsburgh Marathon while fighting cancer and undergoing chemo. Sometimes, in working in the nonprofit world (as I have for 14 years) I come across some interesting, as well as (what feel, to me, like) strange questions and comments. I thought I would take the opportunity to address some of them since I have a nice, growing little audience here.

GIVING MONEY TO HOMELESS PEOPLE

Do not do this. Typically, pan handlers are soliciting your hard earned money for drugs or alcohol. That is the honest truth. These people know about the nearby shelters and soup kitchen – which they may or may not need. They sometimes are part of larger, more sophisticated operation, too. You run the risk of funding a criminal operation or someone’s individual drug habit (as one former addict told me “you can be the person who gives them the money for the hit that kills them.” Think about THAT next time you want to hand someone a five dollar bill.) What to do instead? I recommend steering clear, just for safety reasons – you don’t want to get entangled in someone’s need for a drug fix or their mental illness if you aren’t experienced in relating to people who are living on the street. But if you feel confident engaging, just talk to them, offer to buy them a sandwich, give them a granola bar or a bottle of water. Let them know about local shelters, even though they probably already do. I think treating these people as human beings even though they might be trying to scam you is really important. As a side-note, I feel totally different about busking (someone playing music for money.) I almost always toss whatever is in my pocket in their container. Especially if it’s any good. Hey, at least they’re providing a service of some kind. But keep this in mind regarding pan handling and busking – these aren’t the official opinion of anyone but myself. BOTTOM LINE: If you want to give, give to a charity you trust that helps these people. That will do the MOST good.

WHY DO CHARITIES NEED PAID STAFF?

This one is amazing to me. Occasionally people ask me if I get paid a salary. In my organization, we serve over 120,000 meals a year, assist over 1,000 individuals in need of food, shelter, counseling, education assistance, job training and mental health supports. This stuff does not get done when a couple of volunteers feel like showing up and giving a few hours of their time. While our volunteers who serve food, mentor clients and process our donations are invaluable and deeply appreciated, this is a 24-hour per day operation that requires professional counselors, case managers, pastors, experienced fundraisers, an accountant, an HR professional, administrative staff, maintenance staff, experienced front desk staff who put themselves at risk to keep the rest of us safe, chefs, child care providers to spend quality time with recently homeless children, a PR professional, a database manager, etc. It really is an involved operation to bring in enough revenue to keep the lights on and the cupboards full, to respond to emergencies, to welcome hungry, cold people day or night, to answer the phones, run the events that bring in needed revenue, fix the computers and help volunteers get plugged in. For the most part, these are professional individuals who could work elsewhere for more money. But we believe that this work is worth our full-time, fully comitted efforts. No one is getting rich here, believe me. But we care enough to do it anyway.

AREN’T HOMELESS PEOPLE JUST LAZY?
Sure, some of them are. But some of them are incredible, interesting, funny, smart, caring people who have sustained significant trauma and/or made some big mistakes. Let’s talk about how a homeless person gets to be homeless. Typically, people who end up homeless are either addicted to drugs and alcohol or are quite mentally ill. The mentally ill are people who are generally in need of medication, but for a variety of reasons cannot or do not maintain their medication schedule and cycle through a variety of mental struggles that lead to socially unacceptable behavior or debilitating fears and paranoia. They obviously are not able to maintain employment and housing and since there are almost no resources in institutional settings (i.e. being “committed”) they are often left to themselves once family cannot or will not care for them, and the individual may feel safest away from other people. They may stay in a rural area like a tent in the woods or they may end up in an urban setting under a bridge. They maintain survival that is acceptable to them. It is hard to reach these people and build trust, but sometimes we can and it’s a win if we can get them into temporary housing and eventually set up with (typically government provided) housing and care.

Addiction is a different story. Often, this begins early in life with trauma. Abuse, neglect, abandonment are major triggers. These inflict pain. Pain is avoided by dabbling in drugs and alcohol. Some people have a greater propensity toward addiction than others (I believe it’s always a choice to some degree, but that some have a bend toward uncontrollable addiction than others do) and down the rabbit hole, they go. Employment can be difficult to maintain. Eventually family relationships deteriorate and friendships do too, besides those “friendships” that center around the addiction. People can live this way for a surprisingly long time. When they do find their way to a place like Light of Life where they can be helped, they are taking a big step – choosing to make an effort at totally redefining their lives. These people are anything but lazy. They are beginning the hard work of dismantling a network of walls they’ve built in the name of self-preservation and tackling the mental, emotional and spiritual work needed for healing and restoration. It’s not easy. They are basically turning over control to people they don’t know, in the hopes we will lovingly walk them through what will be one of the most challenging things they will ever go through. Not only do we care for them – we care for their children in many cases. These are kids who have come home to Mom overdosing on the couch, or waiting for Dad to come home for three days.

It’s not easy work to walk alongside these men and women who are rebuilding their lives, and I give all the credit in the world to our staff who do this. I have done it myself in positions I have held in other organizations and it is challenging, rewarding but draining work. You give much of yourself each day and it can take a toll. Please pray for our staff who give so much of themselves over to our ministry.

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More than you can handle

Seriously? What jagoff with a cushy life made that crap up?  I’ve heard that a few times lately and it’s just so silly.  It’s not in The Bible (I can wait if you wanna look it up.)  But if you know how to look stuff up in the good book you probably knew already that it doesn’t say that.  Also? It doesn’t say that money is the root of all evil – it says it is THE LOVE OF money is A root of all kinds of evil.  And, while we’re clearing stuff up, it also does not say “hate the sin, love the sinner.”   So quit saying those things – they’re dumb.  

Well, anyway, who came up with this whole “as much as you can handle” stuff?  There is a verse in 1st Corinthians that talks about us not being tempted beyond our ability, but that’s not about handling suffering – it’s about us being responsible for our sin.  But maybe that’s where this “handling it” business originated – a poor interpretation.  
Because from where I’m standing, it’s just not consistent with God’s character to, like, make us handle weighty things with will power, gumption and pulling ourselves up by our boot straps.  Grin and bear it.  Nose to the grindstone.  Nope.  I don’t see that.  Besides, who are these people who are “handling it” when a child dies, cancer strikes and tsunamis wipe out entire villages? No one is handling that! Those are devastating. Plain and simple. And I don’t see God with His holy arms crossed saying “Now, I am only giving you the exact amount you can handle, and I expect you to do it or there will be locusts and frogs and boils and such!” What I do see, in the scriptures and in my life is a God who mysteriously allows all kinds of troubles to come our way, and offers to not necessarily rescue us immediately from all harm, but to be with us in our suffering.  To never abandon us.  To ultimately in the present and the future, work the evil in the world for our GOOD.  
As far as us handling it…I don’t think that’s what God is looking for.  He’s not walking around with a clipboard giving us points for acting like we’re not in pain, not scared, not overwhelmed.  What good does that do anyone?
What I do think God is looking for is our honesty.  Our authentic, unmasked selves, broken, exhausted, spent, overrun and empty coming to Him for comfort, healing and guidance.  I know I’ve dragged myself into His presence with nothing but fear and discouragement in my heart more than a few times recently.  And The King has restored me each time.  I know He doesn’t mind that at times I’m seriously mad and tired and sick of cancer.  Sick of nausea and neuropathy.  Sick of Mort the Port getting jabbed all the time.  Sick of a mile run seeming impossible.  Sick of fearing cold weather.  Sick of copays and pills and not being able to care for my family at my best.  
In times such as this, what’s happening? I’m unraveling.  I’m breaking under immense pressure and as a result, I stop thinking correctly or clearly.  Pain and fear paralyze us and send us into irrational thinking patterns.  What we know to be true (that God is good and in control) fades and all kinds of twisted ideas wreck our minds.
So we have to run to God.  Because He can restore us to right thinking.  
So, there, in God’s presence, as I let it all out – somehow, He meets me there, in my weakness.  In my brokenness.  It’s not some bursting sunlight with an angel choir or anything.  Usually it’s a reminder of something I know to be true.  That I’m loved beyond my imagination’s capacity to conjure.  That God is eternal and He knows best.  That there is significant purpose in my suffering.  That He is working ALL things for my good.  
So while it may look like it, I’m not always “handling” it – I’m going through it honestly and relying on Him for restoration to right thinking when it all starts falling apart.  
When you start to fall apart, don’t muster up more willpower.  Don’t grit your teeth and “stay strong.”  Just take it to God, and let Him restore your right thinking and “renew a right spirit within you.”