Tomorrow is round 5 of chemo. That’s not what’s on my mind, though. Tomorrow I get the results of my CT scan. Basically we’ll find out if my cancer is spreading or not. It feels big. Like I might be plunged into a scarier place than I already am.
But a good scan this month doesn’t mean I’ll never have a bad one. People get cancer, get better, and then get it again. Two years later or ten years later. Some people have 20 cancer free years and then have a stroke. Some perfectly healthy person is going to get hit by the bus. Or bitten by the snake. Or choke on some Skittles.
What I’m saying is while I am praying and hoping for good news tomorrow, I’m not putting my hope in scans or news from a doctor. They matter, of course. But they aren’t final. There is always something dreadful to fear if you don’t put your hope and faith in something bigger and better and more significant than any earthly thing.
I’m tempted to put my hope in the scan results. I know I’ll feel relieved by good news and scared of bad news. But I choose to trust God no matter what lies ahead. I’m not all that good at it, mind you. My emotions can flail in the wind like anyone’s. But I come back to the truth that God is worthy of our trust and works all things for our good no matter how outrageously crazy and unfair some things may feel. He knows more. He knows better. I’m in His capable hands.
In the Scriptures He promises “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you.” That’s better than the admittedly sought after good news of a clean scan. Way better. I want that good news. I really do. But what I want more is unshakable faith – to understand who God is so much that no news can undermine my trust in Him. I’m not there yet, but I’m moving in the right direction. Are you?